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China's Secret List of Excuses for its Balloon

Updated: Feb 22, 2023

The Chinese government continue to deny that the balloon shot down over US soil had spying capabilities and was in fact a weather balloon. However, OGN has obtained China's list of possible excuses for its errant balloon from a secret CCP brain storming session.

Colourful balloons
Not the real balloon!

China publicly claimed, as reported in numerous media outlets, that the balloon was used for “mainly meteorological” purposes and, more bizarrely on another occasion, that it was really a civilian airship that was blown off course by strong winds.

It's a truth that should be self-evident: If you are emasculated by a balloon, you weren't so tough to begin with. The balloon that U.S. officials believed to be a Chinese surveillance device was spotted floating over Montana, likely to take pictures of military assets. In the relatively grown-up world where President Joe Biden and Democrats live, this was a situation that called for a thoughtful, careful response.

While displeased with the predicament, they recognized that freaking out was not the answer. Instead, they waited until the balloon wasn't a direct threat to people and property underneath and shot it down over the ocean.

Meanwhile, Republicans - many in elected office who could be doing something useful with their time - saw the Chinese balloon as an opportunity for cringeworthy tough guy posing.

Leading the pack, of course, was the small-fingered phony tough guy himself, Donald Trump.

"The Chinese would never have floated the Blimp ('Balloon') over the United States if I were President!!!" he screeched on his fake Twitter site, Truth Social.

Ohio Senator J.D. Vance was another of many, many Republicans who spent the 'Days of the Chinese Balloon' ping-ponging between performative hysterics and screaming for it to be shot down.

Whatever the actual truth may be, OGN has obtained copies of internal Chinese Communist Party communications on the matter which reveal the party leadership were busy brain storming excuses in the hours after US intelligence discovered its presence and came up with several explanations they may be able to use if the "mainly meteorological" or "civilian airship" excuses were disbelieved.

The brain storming suggestions for good excuses included:

The balloon was part of an elaborate and beautiful gender reveal party for Xi Jinping’s daughter Xi Mingze and you had to go ruin it America, didn’t you.

You ever just want to get away from your wife once in a while?

It's not ours, it belongs to the Russians.

An over-enthusiastic clown at a child’s birthday party made a balloon elephant too large and lost control of it.

“It was a prank bro” – CCP members suggested, part of a Chinese version of Impractical Jokers.

It's Sir Richard Branson attempting another round the world balloon trip to celebrate being a septuagenarian.

The balloon was a Deliveroo driver who got lost.

US authorities are mistaken and it's actually the little wooden house tethered under a balloon from the movie UP!

As it's unlikely we will ever know the truth, why not pick your favourite excuse and just fly with it?


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