If you're feeling like having a bit of a chuckle, hopefully some of these will do the trick.
“I’m an environmentalist. Most of my jokes are recycled.” David Letterman
“He’s always asking: ‘Is that new? I haven’t seen that before.’ It’s like, Why don’t you mind your own business? Solve world hunger. Get out of my closet.” Michelle Obama
“I’m not offended by blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb…and I also know that I’m not blonde.” Dolly Parton
“If you’re gonna be two-faced at least make one of them pretty.” Marilyn Monroe
“Get at least eight hours of beauty sleep, nine if you’re ugly.” Betty White (from The Golden Girls)
“The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.” Tom Clancy
“Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.” Albert Einstein
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.” Will Ferrell
“Husbands are like fires - they go out when unattended.” Zsa Zsa Gabor
“The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary.” Vince Lombardi
“My father always said, ‘Never trust anyone whose TV is bigger than their bookshelf.” Emilia Clarke
“The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.” Lucille Ball