A Dozen Funny Quotes

A selection of amusing quotations make you smile. Perhaps, even, chuckle.

Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves. Abraham Lincoln

I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink. Joe E. Lewis

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by. Douglas Adams

You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think. Milton Berle

When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always. Rita Rudner

I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.' Demetri Martin

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone? James Thurber

One of the disadvantages of wine is that it makes a man mistake words for thoughts. Samuel Johnson

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor. Joan Rivers

Why don't you get out of that wet coat and into a dry martini? Robert Benchley

When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity. Albert Einstein

My mother was against me being an actress - until I introduced her to Frank Sinatra. Angie Dickinson

More upbeat quotes on lots of different subjects...