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Collection of Hilarious Tweets

Updated: Feb 14

Funny musings on parenting, marriage, Christmas and children mispronouncing words.


Illustration of a cloud with the word 'tweet' in it

James Breakwell @XplodingUnicorn


13-year-old: I need cool clothes.

Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.

13: That's the problem


sixfootcandy @sixfootcandy


I was annoyed at my husband for misplacing his sunglasses again. After retracing our steps, I realized I was actually sitting on them in the car. So, I threw them under his seat and became the hero when I found them.

Follow me for more marriage advice.


NicholasG @Dad_At_Law


Asked my 12 y/o daughter how her babysitting business was going and she said it’s tough when some people don’t even charge for their services. “Grandparents are my biggest competitors.”


That Mom Tho @mom_tho


my four year old mispronounces curse words which is cute and not at all horrifying when she yells “bammit!!” and “cheese crisis!!!”


Boog @bewgtweets


Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?

Me: no, is he any good?


Emily Adrian @adremily


6yo: was I born naked?

Me: yeah

6yo: sorry about that


Melvin of York @MelvinofYork


When my daughter was four she tried to say she had the "heebie jeebies" but it came out "Hebrew Bee Gees" and that's how it's been pronounced in my house for the last ten years.


Rodney Lacroix @RodLacroix


I'm not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon, but we just got a Christmas card from Jeff Bezos.


Eli McCann @EliMcCann


Overheard my husband say to someone on the phone last night "I already know what I'm getting for Christmas. I've been dropping obvious hints to Eli for months so there aren't any surprises this year" and I am now consumed by the fear of god.


Draggin Father Behind @DragginFatherB


People from New England, I have one kid who pronounces it "Massive Two Shits" so act accordingly please.


Daddy Go Fish @daddygofish


The word ‘husband’ comes from Old Norse word ‘husbondi’ meaning ‘went to the store and bought the wrong shampoo’.


Jan @moyermama


My 12YO just pronounced fettuccine like it rhymes with medicine so I see my work is not done yet.


James Breakwell @XplodingUnicorn


My 4-year-old pronounced "French hens" as "henchmens" and now the third day of Christmas is a heist movie.


Rodney Lacroix @RodLacroix


We hide all the presents in big boxes marked "VEGETABLES" because we know the kids will never go near them.


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