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Great Short Jokes

Updated: Nov 18, 2023

We've picked a dozen of our favourite one-liners and short jokes from Britain's finest comics to, hopefully, at the very least, put a smile on your face.

Sign saying D.I.E.T (Did I Eat That?)

"I regret rubbing ketchup in my eyes, but that’s Heinz sight." Nick Helm

"My friend doesn’t like to talk about his psoriasis. He’d rather just sweep it under the carpet." Jake Lambert

"Life Hack: When too tired to do all the things on your To Do list, try a To Don’t list. Simply write all the things you’re not going to do and then... don’t do them. Huge sense of achievement with none of the effort." Eleanor Tiernan

"I've seen an article online asking if Scottish people are as tight as people say we are, but unfortunately it was behind a paywall. I'll never know." Christopher Macarthur-Boyd

"Did you know the word Ikea is actually made up of two Swedish words? Ika, meaning Sunday, and keya, meaning 'f***ing ruined'." The Scummy Mummies Show

“I've been learning German for 20 years. It's zwanzig Jahren.” The Horne Section

"They say some people 'inhale books'. I know someone who injects books right into his veins. Particularly ones with female protagonists. He's a heroine addict." Izzy Mant

"I’m pleased to be getting a beer belly. I’ve always wanted a father figure." Cam Spence

"A cowboy asked me if I could help him round up 18 cows. I said, ‘Yes, of course. That’s 20 cows.’" Jake Lambert

"I think the next Jurassic World film should be called A Reptile Dysfunction." Glenn Moore

"Me and my partner were going to go on holiday to Norway this year, but we costed it up and in the end we couldn’t af-fjord it." Tom Parry

"I’m amazed they can still get insured to make Bond films. Every time he shoots a cameraman in the first take – that would normally close down a production.” John-Luke Roberts


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