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Trump’s ‘Go Bag’ In Case The Feds Arrive

Updated: Feb 26, 2021

We appreciate that everyone's been pretending not to follow the ex-president's impeachment trial, and everyone's bored of everything Trump, but the man has always had a trick up his sleeve. Including a 'let's get the hell out of here - right now - go bag'. Warning: Fake News!

If Donald Trump learned one thing from that morning he watched a bit of American Gangster in the White House when Fox News was off-air and there was nothing else on telly, it’s that every gangster should have a ‘go bag’ - a case containing essentials that they can quickly grab and run with if (or when) the feds arrive at the door.

With the safety net of the presidency no longer under him, word has leaked of the contents of his pre-prepped, as little as you can possibly carry, grab-and-go satchel:

Cash: Although many believe Trump to be a billionaire (including the man himself), his net worth is somewhat irrelevant when you need to make a quick escape. So, he's stashed away $10,000 in cash in his hold-all bag, ready to go when someone in uniform knocks down the door. (Tempting as it was, he decided against a branded Trump golf resort leather travel bag.) The cash accompanies a number of pieces of jewellery that he instructs Melania to swallow every morning so that she ‘has them on her’ if they have to bail in a hurry. As further security, he has memorised (see below) the contact number of a guy he knows in New Jersey that can ‘get him a good price for them’.

Golf stuff: It doesn't take up much room, so his membership card to Trump Turnberry, his golf shoes and his proof of a scratch handicap (a beautiful forgery from the same guy in New Jersey) are carefully packed, should he ever be lucky enough to escape across the Atlantic and evade Nicola Sturgeon's 'essential visit' rules.

Nancy Pelosi’s USB key: Swiped from the Capitol building during the riot thatgot Trump in so much trouble to begin with, the 32GB USB key found its way to the president from a well-wishing Q-Anon invader who kindly palmed the device before being politely lead out of Pelosi’s office by cops. ‘There’s bound to be something incriminating on that’, Trump was told, and there might very well be, if his cyber expert Baron can ever crack the password for it. The Trump team have tried all zeros, ‘NANCY’ in caps and in lower case, and even ‘TRUMP’ in case the speaker of the house counter-intuitively used Donald’s name as a password. To date, they’ve been unable to access the key, but if they have to go on the run, they’ll have plenty of time. Assuming Baron gets to flee with them.

Phone with five numbers saved on it: In case Donald has to run without time to grab his phone, he has a spare one in the bag with every number he needs already programmed into it: Ivanka, Eric, Melania, Vladimir Putin and Nigel Farage. Donald Trump Jnr does not feature on the list, and has been told it’s because this is the type of phone that only holds five numbers, sorry.

Essential cosmetics: Naturally. Or, not so naturally, if you believe a human should not look like an Orangutan.

A MAGA hat: Should Trump go on the run, he’ll need to be able to blend in seamlessly no matter where he goes. Be faceless in a crowd. Draw no attention to himself. This is why he keeps a trademark Make America Great Again hat in his go bag. By simply donning this hat, he effortlessly blends into any crowd of overweight angry white Americans. Whether that works at Trump Turnberry remains to be seen.


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