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Climate to Self-Identify as Bank

Updated: Nov 26, 2021

Plans are afoot to reclassify Earth’s climate as a commercial bank so it can get a quick bailout from governments.

Most Americans think that the big bank bailout was the $700 billion that the US treasury department used to save the banks during the financial crash in September of 2008, but Forbes reported (way back in 2015) that this is a long way from the truth, because $4.6 trillion had actually already been paid out by the time it published its article, citing numbers from the Special Inspector General. So, it was trillions not billions. And then you need to add billions upon billions more that other governments had to lob into the financial mess brought about by lax regulation and the cowboy antics of most of the world's banks.

Twelve years ago, at a UN climate summit in Copenhagen, rich nations made a significant pledge. They promised to channel $100 billion a year to less wealthy nations by 2020, to help them adapt to climate change and mitigate further rises in temperature. That promise was broken. Trillions were spent bailing out the banks, yet governments are unable to cobble together a mere $100 billion a year.

(The above is all true. It would be very good news if the rest of this article was too.)

So, it's no surprise that the climate will soon become listed as a financial institution and will demand citizens (and governments) everywhere to stabilise it or face even worse consequences than a financial crash.

“People have got to ask themselves which is worse, your money disappearing from your account, or the world disappearing from your life and ending it,” put head of the campaign to reclassify the climate, Professor L. C. Saloon. “Obviously this concept is aimed more at the people in power, who actually call the shots, but once we have them onboard, I’m sure this idea will be plain sailing. They managed to save the banks, why not the climate too? It's mostly about money, so a new Climate Bank is pretty much guaranteed to solve the problem when it gets bailed out!"

The move, which would involve the climate somehow floated on the world’s stock exchanges, affording it an importance it was previously denied, with every citizen in the world given equal shares in the climate.

“Whatever we do, we’ve got to save the Climate Bank no matter what,” the head of the IMF said in a statement of the bleedin' obvious, at a press conference flanked by a phalanx of sweaty looking bank officials. Adding: “We can’t let the Climate Bank go bust and must act now, now, now, now!”

Thanks to the impending change, the climate is now expected to make a full recovery in just 8 short years, a staggering 25 years ahead of schedule.


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