What Not to Say at Post-Lockdown Parties

This is important because rarely in the history of parties has there been such potential for boring each other rigid. Particularly as almost all of us haven't (legally) been to a party for a very long time.

Whilst these recommendations are primarily directed at Brits who - at a not entirely certain date in the, hopefully, not too distant future - will be released from lockdown, it's probably a reasonably handy guide for everyone everywhere.

There are topics of conversation that, we suggest, you must avoid at all costs. Top of the list of what not to talk about is, of course, Covid. Followed by: where you’re not going on holiday; your probable full time move to the country (and the various people you know for whom it has been a godsend/disaster); the property price hike everywhere but especially where you thought you’d move to; someone’s vaccine reaction. That covers the Big Five. Otherwise, old world conversation topic rules still apply - if you can remember those giddy days. Here's a reminder...

When someone asks how you are, don’t be tempted to tell them about your ailments. When someone asks how are the kids are, just say fine, thank you (godparents may want more information but don’t overdo it); do not discuss your financial woes, your sex life (unless hilarious), how much you hate your other half (unless hilarious), or, God forbid, religion.

Also note that you get a special bonus prize (which might or might not be another mojito) for not mentioning the Queen’s annus horribilis (just keeps getting worse), Meghan and Harry (same subject), who has put on the most weight (you might not be able to resist this one), who's become a functioning alcoholic (ditto), who loves Joe Wicks the most (this just goes round and round and never gets anywhere). Although, by this stage of the party, most revellers will probably be reeling drunkenly round in circles anyway. Not you, of course.