Wait a minute, could Trump be corrupt? Surely not!
America has been blindsided recently by revelations from former National Security Advisor John Bolton’s new book which allege, for the first time, that President Donald Trump, guardian of all that is right and moral, could be corrupt and is unfit to be president.
“Hang on just a second,” the America public shrieked, aghast at the infernal import of the allegations by Bolton, the first person to ever say such a thing.
“A man is nothing without his spotless reputation, think before you spread these rumours. What next? Are you going to accuse him of being friends with a notorious paedophile, appointing unqualified family members to powerful positions even though they failed security clearances, having already being impeached?
“Point out how the Russian mob purchased dozen of Trump Tower properties as part of a money laundering scheme, suggest he had an affair with a porn star while his wife was pregnant? What other wild accusations which stand up to rigorous fact checking are you going to unjustly hurl at our president?”
Taking a minute to recover from the assertion that President Trump is probably the most corrupt US president in history, the American public warned that if anyone else had any other information to share, such as tax evasion, extortion, selling America off for scrap, to just let them catch their breath first.
In his book Bolton, who placed 15th in a recent Mark Twain lookalike contest, alleges Trump begged Chinese PM Xi Jinping to help his re-election chances by acquiescing to trade deals and encouraged Xi’s building of concentration camps for Uighur Muslims, allegations so explosive and threatening to the very fabric of American democracy that Bolton decided to wait until he had a lucrative book deal in place before sharing them.
“Say it ain’t so, this isn’t the Doting Donny or Truthful Trump we’ve all grown to know and love. Today is the day America’s innocence died,” remarked one voter, whose heart couldn’t survive another single accusation, not even the suggestion Trump is a rampant, lifelong racist.
However, in a further shock to the nation, the release of a tell-all book about President Donald Trump, written by his niece, has been brought forward by two weeks despite an ongoing legal battle to prevent its publication. Simon & Schuster announced on Monday that it will release Mary L Trump's book, Too Much and Never Enough: How My Family Created The World’s Most Dangerous Man, on 14 July, instead of the previously announced date of 28 July.
"The act by a sitting president to muzzle a private citizen is just the latest in a series of disturbing behaviours which have already destabilised a fractured nation in the face of a global pandemic," says the author’s spokesperson.
The good news is that an election is coming up in the next few months and America has the opportunity to replace Trump with Kanye West, a famous rapper.