US Police Reforms - Not

Warning: Fake news / Dark Humour!

Competing police reform bills are being put forward by the Republican and Democrat parties, with an emphasis on reshaping how policing is thought of in America. Trawling through the bills OGN has identified some of the stand out reforms proposed which should instantaneously solve all policing issues and systemic racism:

  • The requirement to undergo 40 hours of racial insensitivity training is to be removed under new proposals.

  • In an attempt to find an effective way of getting police to see civilians as something other than target practice, the ‘no donuts if you murder innocent civilians’ provision is seen as the biggest step forward in police reform in decades.

  • Full removal of the ‘bad cop, extremely violent cop’ interrogation technique.

  • Under the proposed laws, police officers will be told during training that it would be ‘super cool’ if they didn’t join any far right extremist groups.

  • Those struggling with the new emphasis on de-escalation versus violence will be trained in how to beat up white people and not just minorities.

  • Mandatory deployment of Swat team and rocket launchers at routine stop of innocent black teenagers no longer in use.

  • Lawmakers reserve the right to include enough loopholes in the reforms so that no police force has to adhere to any new measures if they don’t feel like it.

  • Incidents where 10 police body cameras conveniently switched off by themselves as a member of the public is killed will now be required to be investigated before receiving an official shrug of the shoulders.

  • The practice of automatically giving promotions to officers who murder on duty will be abolished.

  • Going forward police can only be used directly by President or Attorney General as pseudo-fascist army to tear gas peaceful protesters on their days off.

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